23rd August 2019

first-person essay

It was around 25 degrees. With the sun setting in a small cramped street somewhere in the city of Damascus which as we speak is under control by the Syrian government. while the country of Syria is in the thick of a civil war.

 As we were finishing up with a sift at one of the 3 checkpoints that were scattered across the city. Our commander had just requested some jeeps to come to pick us up and escort us to the outskirts of the city where the US military base camp was located. Sitting around with nothing really to do, sam my best mate pulls out a pack of playing cards out of his backpack to keep us sane while we wait for the jeeps.

As expected there were three jeeps to come to retrieve our squadron of nine. But Just before entering the jeep sam and I suddenly stopped and notest that things went very airy and quiet. We both looked at each other, and Sam said to me “I don’t like the feel of this” and I say back to him “neither do I” we were both on edge for something to happen, next thing you know a rebel pops up with an RPG on the rooftops destroys the jeep in front of us killing all 4 men inside including our commander, sam and I react out of instinct and we both dived behind a water barrel to protect us from the gunfire that had broken loose, our men skurry for cover like cockroaches in the bright light.

As the rebels make it rain ammunition, all we can do it pray and hope to god that you won’t get caught up by the crossfire. as the raid went on I said to sam “how the hell are we gonna get out of this” he replied with “I have no clue”, for five more minutes there were heavy gunfire and explosions from hand grenades flying left right and centre. Then… everything just went to a sudden stop. after all of that, there was dead silence and all you could hear was the burning debris of the jeep the got blown up. as night fell and knowing the rebels were going to strike again. and also only having only 5 men we were heavily outnumbered.

 we had to somehow make it off the street without getting gunned down by the rebels that were waiting to pounce again. I took in charge of the group by coming up with a plan I said to them that I was going to run out towards the rebels and make a distinction to let the rest of my squad escape safely but in consequence, it may risk my life. so we waited another half hour then I said to the boys “alright its now or never” and so I sprinted out in the opiset direction, towards the rebels and the others ran to the other end of the street. but to my surprise, I didn’t receive any gunshots. and then I heard gunfire at the other end of the street the rebels traped them and know im the only one left.

Join the conversation! 2 Comments

  1. Hi Theo,

    Here is some feedback.

    Pay attention to your spelling, grammar, punctuation and capital letters. There are some errors popping up in your writing that you need to identify and correct.
    Remember, with creative writing, whenever you start a new ‘idea’, you start a new paragraph. This also holds true for dialogue, new speaker, new paragraph.
    Be careful of run-on sentences. Read through your work out loud to see the points where you are ignoring where you should be using a full-stop.
    Your central conflict is unclear at this point.

    Keep at it.

    Mr Johnson

    Reply
  2. Hi Theo,

    In addition to the previous feedback:

    Remember your paragraphing. You are still writing in one large block. With creative writing, new ‘idea’ = new paragraph.
    Read your work out loud. There are times where your word choices and sentence structure are not flowing. Reading aloud will help you catch these moments.
    Focus on adding some more figurative language to your work to enhance your writing.
    Remember to focus on the decision your character must make regarding the second character. This is not yet clear.

    Mr Johnson

    Reply

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